5.29.07

tricky tricky.

im kinda lost as to what to do next.

i told him what i think. hes a sad sorry sack of *@!$.
and thats the end of that.
i hope.

and last night k was mad at u becasue c got him high.
and j and g were in the car too which means they got high also.
and i hatehatehate it when g gets high.
but there's nothing i can do.

i dont own him.
and he's a confusing mother f***er.

idk if he knows what he wants.

unlike me.

peace.
emma elizabeth.

not much i can do.

you cant help who you fall for.
and no matter how much you dont want to or you want to fall out of love with them. you cant.

and personally it kills me inside.

i want to be back in love with him.
i want to be back in his arms.
i want to be the one he said he loved.
i want to be the only girl he stared at as i walked by.
i want to be back to the innocence we had together. and ruined completely.

and i cant have any of it. ever again.
and it kills me.

because i still want him. after meaning nothing to him.


but i fucking refuse to let that dictate my future.
i wont let my adventure be just a story about a broken hearted little sad girl.
no.

my adventure. has sad parts. as all stories. it has parts that are filled with rage and pain and pure emotion.
and its beautiful.
but this adventure is about unrelenting faith in yourself, finding self beauty, and forgiving people.

i have pride in what ive become.
and taking risks and living my life has brought me so many unexpected joys and surprises.

i wouldnt trade it for anything.

and the people who have been with me through this so far i owe them so much.

they have pushed me through this all. and had unrelenting faith in me.
its inspiring.

and i know that one day it will help me. it helps me everyday.

but even with all of my friends and family being there for me.

i miss being in love with someone who loved me too.
and im still picking up the pieces and i want someone who can understand what ive been through, what im dealing with and why i am the way i am . and love me still i need someone who gives a shit about me.

i want someone who loves me for me. "for you i am blinded"TAI.

those words are beautiful. because i want to be blinded. by everything that love has to offer.

but at the same time i love being single and feeling that adrenaline flow. when i hear a good song come on and i can run outside and skateboard with my sister and cross the rail road tracks and go to the river and almost die thru the whole thing.

"time takes us all so why am i not just living for today?"the used.
love is fun but having some care about you and love you is a lot of time taken and wasted in my perspective. because i doubt that im going to find the guy i will be with forever. at this point in my life.

way to tired.
emma elizabeth.

system defect

constant changes.

well im pretty excited for the new Holly Black book. Ironside.
yeah im an addict.
so what.

but back to reality.hah.

i dont know. seriously. ive been dreaming of the sea again. and then i'll wake up and can still smell the sea salt. and when i close my eyes i see the trinity sign again.
its kinda weird. even for me.

jeezus and before i dreamt of the sea it was of the forest.

and before that, great fires.

honestly im screwed.

wanna know why?

magic has crept back into my dreams. and my life.
ive always loved faeries. but i dont need a repeat of hawaii.

the starting point

what will happen next.

god. im not even sure myself.

this is not the beginning of the adventure.
merely a point in which i've decided to write down my thoughts along the way.

maybe it will help with the crazy stress im under.

maybe not.

we'll see.

emma noodle.