Let me rest in pieces.
Please dear just let me go.

I need some distance from this crumbling situation.
The pain must be fascinating to you.
Oh boy you have had such a privileged life.
Yes dahling. This is hurt.

And what you are feeling in your chest
Its called ache.

Get used to it babe.
That’s what life is.

Love will break your bones
And leave its marks on your heart
But you cant live with it or without it.

Hun im a lush for it.
Such a drunk for how you make me feel.
Im chasing all that’s left of sanity.
Hopefully you’ll accept me.

All I want is your love.
Im just a sad little addict.
I need you more than anything.

And you have no use for me.
Honey watch this little heart BREAK.




yeah i wrote that.
a long time ago.


god. im single again.
we broke up last night.
and now he just looks right thru me.
when im the one in pain.

i hate to say it but i think i could love that boy.
i detest love.
i hate it i hate it i hate it.

i was bawling on my floor last night.
because the one boy i actually like and care about alot.
and have wanted for so long.
is gone.

and he said that he still wants to be close.
and that he just needs to fix himself.
and that i am exactly what he was looking for in a girl.

but he wont even look at me.
and i just want to cry again.
i hate crying but i feel so helpless.

and i barely slept last night.
i look like a trainwreck.
my eyes look.
idk sad.

i hate it when they wont be happy.
yeah its strange.
but you can tell exactly how i feel by looking at my eyes.
my face can hide it but they cant.

it sucks.


i miss that boy.
so much.

he kinda pretty much RIPPED MY FKING HEART OUT.
and left me crying on the floor.
yeah my favorite place to be.
not!

famous.

i want to look jena dead in the eye and fking deck her.

grrr.


she's such a fkin loser.
she calls lorien and bitches at him about dating me.
and how she wants him back.

hmm bitch maybe you shouldnt have cheated on him.
because we are happy together.
and all of his friends like me.
hm maybe because i've been friends with them since the beginning.
and im not an asshole to him.

go fking figure.


its been a week.
november 19.
and its been the best week in a long time.


and my sister thinks he really likes me.
because im really trying not to fall for him.
i'm holding back a lot.
because i dont want to lose the first nice guy to come along in a LONG time


<3
it wont be long before i fall for him.
no matter how hard i try not to.
i can just feel it.

then again i do tend to trust people with my heart way to easily.
its my downfall and greatest property.
because i make friends easy and get hurt easy.

but hell.
take the good with the bad.
roll with the punches and it works out.
some bumps bruises and scars are just storys.

whatever happens happens.
the end.

love ya kids.

embem.

queso.blanco.quesoblanco.

lorien.
is.
amazing.

i have so much energy today.
and i love making him smile.

he makes me remember what i want to be.
and what i like doing.
hes kinda there to remind me about what being happy is.

hes a great boyfriend.
i'm a really lucky girl.

and i'm hanging out with him and jesse.
and some girl jesse likes named casey.


ack.
thanksgiving is tomorrow.
and i have to go to lorien's mom's brunch thing

i am not good with families
the make me nervous.
he told me not to worry about it.
i'm like yeah thats not gonna happen.


im so spastic today.
its not even cool.
but lorien and the rest of my amigos dont care.

so i dont mind.

i loaf you guys.
bunches.

peace out folks.
embem.

lls.

well.
as of eight thirty ish last night lorien and me are together.

he is really the cutest boy ever.
EVER.

and hes so sweet.
i went into senior hall this morning talking to zane telling him about what happened to casey.
and lorien was right there.
he walked up to me and grabbed me around my waist and hugged me.
and said he missed me.

how cute.

and he likes/can deal with the insanity of my house and sisters.
mom thinks he's just what i need.
i think hes amazing.

and he doesnt have mono anymore!!
yay.


"god damn that girl's a train wreck"
the medic droid.


lorien leroy sagen.
mah silly kid.
<3

peace out kids.
embem.

woot woot.

that boy has been flirty all darn day.

and imma go with him and jessebutthead to lunchadore.

so that will be interesting.

especially seeing as how jesse called me last night almost crying.
about how much his life sucks and how he is only himself when im around.
and that he has no options and wants more from life.

im like his own personal psychologist.


and i dont care what jena,lorien's ex, has to say.

because now shes talking shit to her friends.
and if this continues then me emily and karrisa are gonna crack some SKULLS.
we will make a fking roadie to evansville to kick her ugly ass.

my friends are amazing.
and my favorite thing ever.

because i know i could get casey to come with and beat her ass with me.
god i just wanna break her fking jaw.


normally this wouldnt bother me but i dont know her that well and she doesnt know shit about me.
so why dont you keep your mouth shut you nasty red headed betch.
grrr.




i needed to vent so i dont punch walls and have bloody fists.
like the other day.


ily karrisa. emily. casey. kelsey. jenna ggggorman. kayleen. and all of my girls.
we kick ass.
lets fking do this.

oh jeeze.

what am i gonna do?

well i hung out with lorien on saturday.
that was amazing.

he is so great.
and i like him a lot.
alotalotalot.

and i think he likes me.
well everyone else on the planet seems to think so.
i guess i'll take their word for it.


i miss cuddling on my couch.
:(

i have no clue what to say.
other than the fact that life is totally and completely confused.
as to what i am going to do.

ilymarshallbby.

knot.

when i said a complication in the plan
i should have said A GIANT KNOT IN THE PLAN.
because...

i know this guy marshall.
he lives in sc.
far away.
but i have known him for almost 6 years.
and i have loved that boy somethin fierce for almost 5 years now.
and he and i want to be together but the distance is in the way.

and hes super sweet.
i wake up to texts every morning
that say hey cutie.
and that he misses me.
i love him with all my little scene heart.


but.
as always there is a but.

lorien is the sweetest guy i know here in wi.
i wanted him last year.
but he had a gf. and i wont mess with that.
but we have always had a really flirty friendship.
and now i am gonna go for it.

i love marshall i really do.
but i cant be with him until the summer.
and i want to give lorien a try.

marshall and i have waited for so long to be with eachother.
i think we can wait til this summer.

i know he loves me.
and i know i love him.
so much.

but this is crazy.
i have to give it a shot.

complications to the plan.

so.
um.
yeah.

well jesse might be a good friend but nothing more.
thats kinda irritating to think about.
because he acts retarted and cant make up his mind.

but someone new enters into my life.
as always.

marshall.
i knew and dated him a long time ago.

ack.
need to finish english.
will post more later.
bye.

i broke up with cory.
amen.

dang it.

oh boy.

i'm screwed.

i hate my relationship.
i do.
i hate how NEEDY he is.
i can tolerate some things.
because a little is cute but he is draining me.

i asked jesse for advice.
and always he perfect at making me better.
i feel bad that me and jesse fell apart.
but he led me on.

god emma just shut up.

i wish i was asexual.
seriously.
if i didnt like fooling around so much then life would be easier.
wow i sound like a skank.

haha.
it happens.

but jesse wants me to go to an avenged sevenfold concert with him tomorrow or friday i think.
i cant.
i'm grounded.
and i dont trust myself around him.
not when im in a relationship.
i lose track of everything when im with him.

oh god.
it all makes sense.

i should hit myself with a brick!
why didnt i see this before.
GRRR.

jesse.
is.
perfect.


seriously.
well not perfect.
but damn near.

that boy can talk me out of doing stupid shit that would get me hurt.
he gives me the best advice.
and most of all he fell for me.
he's had a shitty past like me.
so he gets whats going on when i think about my dad.

oh lord.
today should be interesting.
very interesting.

peace out kids.
much love.
emma.

hi dave.

today part two.

anyways.

finding lyrics that make me happy again.
and make myself pick me up off the floor are the best.

Fuel is the master at that.

"Last Time"

I'm not the first you sucked down
I drank your pleasure slow
Then stumbled out from your veil
Still I've come for you tonight
Choke my faith and stab my pride
And tell myself that

This is the last time
This is the last time
This is the last time now
I'll bleed for you

Preservation or predation
As I'm reeling I don't know
Crumbled I spill out of your hand I want to fall
And you see it all
And you'll just laugh when I say

This is the last time
This is the last time
This is the last time now
I'll bleed for you

And everything I feel I know you know
And everything that heals I know you know
And everything that steals I know you know
And everything that kills you now
And tell myself that

This is the last time
This is the last time
This is the last time now
I'll bleed for you


that song is great.

"Not This Time"

You know I put my faith in you

(I gave it all to you)

There's nothing left for me to prove

(There's nothing left for me)

And I won't be there when you fall

And I won't care at all

Not this time, not this time

Not this time, not this time

Where you stumble's where you fall

And I won't care at all

Not this time, not this time

Not this time, not this time

So I push myself away

(I draw away from you)

Sadness left here in my veins

(Sadness left for me)

And I won't be there when you fall

And I won't care at all

Not this time, not this time

Not this time, not this time

Where you stumble's where you fall

And I won't care at all

Not this time, not this time

Not this time, not this time

And I bled for you

(I bled for you)

This heart has tried

(This heart has tried)

The damage you do is what you never realize

And I won't be there when you fall

And I won't care at all

Not this time, not this time

Not this time, not this time

Where you stumble's where you fall

And I won't care at all

Not this time, not this time

Not this time, not this time

And I won't be there when you fall

And I won't care at all

Not this time, not this time

Not this time, not this time

Where you stumble's where you fall

And I won't care at all

Not this time, not this time

Not this time, not this time

that song always makes me feel stronger.

because i have way too many self inflicted guy problems.

and i get used way too often.

and i know that i shouldnt be as trusting.

but i believe people when they tell me things.

becasue i tell them the truth.

i had to grow up fast.
when i was a kid.
but i was an emotional wreck.
and getting thrown down a hallway by your dad tends to make you "man up"

i fought tooth and nail to get where i am.
i had to earn back respect from people i hurt as a kid.
i had to go to a whole new school knowing only 3 people.
and i went thru a stage where i hated myself.

but it was all worth it.
because now i'm the strongest i have ever been.
and after all that pain i finally was able to love myself for who i am.

and im not that same shy scared girl i used to be.
i can stand up for myself.
and anyone standing in this path of fire better get out of the way.

because i will not be pushed aside anymore.
i have come too far to turn back now.
i passed that point long ago.

you know what i like best?

meeting new people.

it makes me happy.

so my mom randomly decided to inform me that shes gonna throw my step dad out.

and she has a friend in England.
weird.

so i'm pretty torn up about what to do.

when you fall out of love with someone and get over them and move on with your life,
its hard to fall back in love with them.

thats what im trying to do right now.
hes sweet.
and what i wanted.
but my heart isnt in it anymore.

i want it to be.
i really want to stay like this.
and pretend to be happy.
but i cant.

i have a problem with letting myself wallow in bad situations.
i have come too far to stop now.

and my aunt in south carolina decided to write to me about how she's sad i left.
well good.
i hope you are heartbroken.
my dad, step mom and aunt screwed me over big time.

no one deserves to be manipulated and lied to.
i moved up north so i could live with my mom.
and people who care about what i think.

sorry im better off up here.
more later.
its lunch.

<3 emma.